Mind Blowing Weightloss Discoveries!

You hear it all over the place. 'Take this and lose twelve pounds a day!' or 'Drink/Eat this and lose weight overnight!' It's all over our world, thanks to TV, radio and all of those other media devices that give me a headache just thinking about them. But do any of these 'diets' really work?

Some conglomerates have turned dieting into a business, making 'special' diet foods just for us fatties who need to look like Tyra Banks for that wedding next week (Love you Tyra, if you're reading this!). But the funny thing is, I have never seen a thin person eating any of these specially-made meals. Ever.

Thin people don't eat diet food! Nor do they take diet pills (at least those who are naturally thin). So what gives? Do they have some great secret?

Yep. And I've been watching those teeny-weenies just to learn it. (insert evil chuckle here) Want to know what it is?

I'm not going to tell you yet. But read what I did to learn the answer.

I watched as thin people ate. They enjoyed their food without it being the center point of their lives. And when they were full, they stopped eating. Even if they went to one of those all-you-can-eat buffets. If that was me, I'd get my money's worth three times over and waddle out of that place in serious need of an ambulance and some Tums.

What did they eat? Some had salad, some had fried foods, but most of them enjoyed the same stuff we do- they just didn't overdo it. And they drank water along with the regular drinks during the meal. Nothing really special, and no 'diet' platters. Not even diet soda.

But what do thin people do? I watched this also, and I can tell you that they are quite active. Moving almost all the time, but not always 'exercising'. Walking, taking the steps instead of the elevator...even moving as they sit at their desks in the office! And yes, some skinnies went to the gym, but they were more into the track and cardio stuff than weight training.

It sounds eerily familiar, doesn't it? Could it be that the answer is so simple? Could it be that there is no miracle drug or processed food that can make us thin overnight? And the worst thought yet- could it be that I might have to work to get this weight off?

The answer is....yes, dagnabbit. The Great Secret, the Skinny on the Skinny is this; these people get thin and stay that way is to....*gasp* Diet and Exercise.

And I don't mean 'diet' as in 'starve yourself until you faint', but 'see what your body needs and give it that'. Don't eat until you're stuffed- eat until you're body is satisfied- and that's usually portions about the size of your fist. Thin people don't usually eat a lot- unless they have the metabolism of a rabbit on caffeine.

Most thin people don't go to a gym, because they're constantly moving. I see them walking their dogs, jogging on the park trails, or just walking around the block on their work break. Not all do, but most of the people I watched did!

They enjoyed food without using it to comfort themselves. Weird. They actually liked walking a few miles in the park. I like walking when it's not too hot/cold/humid/dry/sunny/rainy or snowy. Okay, that's a lie; I like walking in the park during low humidity when the sun is out and it's abut 72.6 degrees. I think it happens twice a year. Then I start to sweat and make my way home.

I decided to take matters into my own hands- I talked to these thin people. And guess what? Some had tried the diet pills, or the conglomerates, and they only offered temporary results (and some lovely side effects). But when they changed their diets (some had food allergies to their surprise!) and started moving on a regular basis, their weight came off. For some it took a few weeks (just a few pounds) and for others it took months or years, depending on how much they wanted to lose. But they did it.

Some were thin all their lives and just lived life, not really understanding how someone could have 'let themselves go' like that. Let's just say there were some interesting conversations!

All in all, there is no quick fix. There is no rapid weight loss plan out there, unless you plan on working out six hours a day like they do on Biggest Loser. Basically, if you plan on sitting there like a lump, all you get is bigger, fatter lumps.

As for me, I'm going to the gym to work off my lumps, but I realize I need to do more cardio. Walking and swimming will be the first two on the list. Walking, because it gets me out of the house, and swimming because fat floats! And I like being in the water.

Strange but true....Diet and exercise as the answer! Who would've thunk it?

Verbal Fertilizer

We've all dealt with it at some point- verbal fertilizer (otherwise known as B.S.), permeates our lives every day, and we all need to recognize it! It can be a good thing, but most times it just gets in our way. So what kinds of verbal fertilizer am I talking about?

Gossip- 'Did you hear about....?' usually starts this one off on the latest dirt about friends, family and the latest neighborhood drama. Our hearing instantly becomes sharper when we catch this particular phrase in passing, and not one of us is immune to the temptation to eavesdrop on someone else's business, good or bad.

Bragging- 'That's nothing- wait until you hear what I did....' only makes us roll our eyes and seek out forgotten (yet non-existent) obligations. Some even revel in this one-upsmanship even if the event was horrible; if you nearly died in an accident, these people would reply..."That's nothing, I died twice, and I broke a nail clawing my way out of the coffin!"

Complaining- I heard a pastor say it would be interesting having our words smell like our attitude. Complaining would carry the odor of that rotting fuzzy green fruit lying in our crisper, giving off a stench that would gag a goat. Okay, so the didn't say that last part, but it's still an interesting idea. Would people would stop complaining if that happened? Maybe. Either that or breath mint sales would skyrocket.

False Flattery- 'You have the nicest children!' she said to the mother of the Children of the Corn...this does nothing to help the person in question, and makes the flatterer look foolish. Mean what you say, but don't be mean when you say it. And if what you plan on saying can't be taken as anything but mean, then don't say it at all. False flattery might get you somewhere in the short-term, but in the end, it will catch up with you- like chili through a toddler.

So, is there good verbal fertilizer? I would say yes- just not the B.S. kind.

Speak truthfully, yet tactfully. Give real compliments of something you admire in someone. Brag about friends and family. Anything said that will grow a person instead of tearing them down. That's the good stuff! Especially waiting before speaking!

Think on this- a farmer has a lot of cow and horse poo. If he puts it on the field right away he'll do more damage to the soil because the poo will ferment, making heat and 'burning' the soil. But if he let's it dry out first and then puts it on the field, it helps the plants grow! So hold on to that poo you planned on dealing- it might just take a little drying before it can be used to better the world around you- and isn't that the best kind of verbal fertilizer after all?

Need Vs. Want- The Championship Playoff!

You'd think it would be simple- need means you can't live without it, and want means you can live without it but may not want to. Sometimes that line gets blurred and we find wants turning into needs.

We want a lot of stuff, but we don't need a lot of stuff. The wants become needs when we feel the want is needed and the needs we really need don't get needed as much as we want because we think we need what we actually want even though it's a want and not truly a need at all....well, you get the idea.

So let me make things perfectly clear. Sometimes a want can become a need, but a need will never become a want. And this is how you can tell the difference.

Basic needs are this- food (so we don't die), clothing (so we don't get arrested), and shelter (so we don't get sick and die from exposure to the elements). Supplemental needs would be work (so we can eat, have clothing, and shelter) and play (so we gain social skills and have relationships). However, if we are doing something that is supplemental, but is denying us the basics, that is a want, and not a true need.

For instance:
You have an online business. The computer is a need because it provides work so you can have the basics. But if you're playing Facebook games all the time and forget to cook for the family (or go shopping, or eat lunch), then the computer becomes a want. Don't ask me how I know this.

Ask yourself: Do I need this to live? At first you might say yes (especially if it's chocolate related), but take a good long look at it. Is it a true need or a real want? You might be surprised.

Let's look at another subject. Clothing. There's nothing wrong with wearing nice things, but if that dress you 'need' will make you dip into your mortgage to afford it, you might want to put it back and look at the clearance rack. You can still look good in a Wal-mart T-shirt instead of designer wear that costs you your first child at the register. Especially if you have a nice kid. Go for the T-shirt. Seriously.

What brought on this epiphany? I have to declutter my house and sell the stuff I don't need. And as I look upon book-filled shelves that would make a librarian faint, I'm thinking that I can get rid of one or two...hundred. Maybe. It's a want thing, not a need thing, and I know it. And this is going to be one heck of a yard sale!

I'm even looking at my *GASP!* kitchen gadgets. I don't care that I haven't used it in three years (okay...decades), you know the second I get rid of it I'll need it for something! Kind of like alligator repellent. You know it works because you've never see one on your house. In the city. On the second floor. So why get rid of it?

Well, I am getting rid if it. I hate to admit it, but I do love to collect gadgets and never use them. So this week and the next will be huge clean out, and then we're going to have our first ever yard sale in twelve years. There's a lot of want we don't need.

Take a look around your house. Is there something you can donate to a thrift shop that you never use? Or is there a lot of stuff that you could hold a yard sale and get rid of it all? You might be surprised- I know I was!

If You Had One Wish...

If you had only one wish in the world, what would it be? I gave this a great deal of thought, and here's what I came up with:

Not world peace. Oh sure, I want world peace, but my wish would depend on other people behaving themselves. This just ain't gonna happen. So the wish would have to involve something I could do, personally.

Not have super powers. Melting metal with my eyeballs or flying would be totally cool, but unrealistic. A little super is okay, as long as it's within reason.

Not be a bazillionare. Yes, money is important, but not the end-all be-all of life. I thought about wishing for a pocket that filled with money when I needed it, but it's pretty much the same thing as a bazillionare- without the investing.

So what's my wish? I wish I could understand all languages, whether they be spoken, gestured, or written. We use only ten percent of our brains, so this is entirely possible. It also would be really cool on so many levels!

One- I could translate the original text of the Bible and other ancient writings accurately.

Two- I could help others communicate with each other all over the world.

Three- I could finally understand those overheard conversations that start out in English, but switch over to another language when it gets to the good part! You know what I mean... those conversations on the bus or other public place that start out...'Oh, I know what she did was horrible, yet funny at the same time! And guess what else she did? Spinkel del poodie foose snarkle beese arbit!" (if that is even close to another language, please forgive me, I know not what I type!) At least if I had this translation ability, I could understand what she was saying!

Four- It would be really cool seeing the faces of people who think I have no idea what they're talking about, then find out that I totally understood them!

It's nice to think about wishes, but it's even nicer enjoying reality, at least once in a while. I'm going to spend my reality petting the cats for a bit before I start my morning routine!

So.... what would your wish be?

Poetry Down the Lane

Ever play the game 'Whisper Down the Lane'? It starts with a line of people and the first person whispers something in the second person's ear. Then it goes to the next and the next until the last person announces what she heard- and usually it's way off the mark of the original.

That's what happened with the Muffin Poem. Here is my original poem:

If You Give a Mom a Muffin
By Beth Brubaker

If you give a mom a muffin,
she'll want a cup of coffee to go with it.
She'll pour herself some.
Her three year-old will come and spill the coffee.
Mom will wipe it up.
Wiping the floor, she will find dirty socks.
She'll remember she has to do laundry.
When she puts the laundry into the washer,
she'll trip over shoes and bump into the freezer.
Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper.
She will get out a pound of hamburger.
She'll look for her cookbook
(How to Make 101 Things With a Pound of Hamburger.)
The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the phone bill, which is due tomorrow.
She will look for her checkbook.
The checkbook is in her purse,
which is being dumped out by her two year-old.
Then she'll smell something funny.
She'll change the two year-old.
While she is changing the two year-old, the phone will ring.
Her five year-old will answer and hang up.
She'll remember she was supposed to phone a friend
to come over for coffee.
Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup.
She will pour herself some more.
And chances are,
if she has a cup a coffee,
her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

Now, one of the more popular versions that have been 'tweaked': (changes from the original in bold print)

If You Give a Mom a Muffin

If you give a mom a muffin,
She'll want a cup of coffee to go with it.
So she'll pour herself some.
The coffee will get spilled by her three year old.
She'll wipe it up.

Wiping the floor, she will find some dirty socks.
She'll remember she has to do some laundry.
When she puts the laundry in the washer,
She'll trip over some snow boots and bump into the freezer.
Bumping into the freezer will remind her she has to plan supper for tonight.

She will get out a pound of hamburger.
She'll look for her cookbook. (101 Things To Make With a Pound of
Hamburger.)
The cookbook is sitting under a pile of mail.
She will see the phone bill which is due tomorrow.
She will look for the checkbook.

The checkbook is in her purse that is being dumped out by her two year old.
She'll smell something funny.
She'll change the two year old.
While she is changing the two year old the phone will ring. (Of course!)
Her five year old will answer it and hang up.

She remembers that she wants to phone a friend to come over for coffee on
Friday.
Thinking of coffee will remind her that she was going to have a cup.
She will pour herself some.
And chances are,
If she has a cup of coffee,
Her kids will have eaten the muffin that went with it.

I have no idea where the snow boots came from, or why Friday was added, but this is what was being sent around by that 'other' author. And she totally messed up my cadence- nobody messes with my cadence...they get hung by their toes and flogged with wet noodles.

Then it gets even better! (Yes, I'm starting to have fun with this folks!) This version I just found, and I think she takes things to the extreme....kinda. My comments are in blue.

If you give a (Mormon homeschooling) mom a muffin....

A friend of mine wrote this, based on the book "If You Give a Moose a Muffin"....I'm not sure, but I think what she wrote is based on an actual day with her kids.
(No Dearheart, she based it on my poem. But go ahead and post this- it's a lot more than I ever wrote!)

If You Give a (Mormon Homeschooling) Mom a Muffin…

She will want some orange juice to go with it. (no, no, no...coffee.)
She will pour some orange juice into a glass, and go to put the pitcher in the fridge.
When she turns around, the 7 year-old will be drinking the orange juice.
She will say “Hey!”, startling the 7 year old who will spill the remaining orange juice on the table, chairs and floor.
She will get two dishrags and teach the 7 year old how to properly clean up a spill.
While she is wiping up the floor, the phone will ring.(at least this was part of the original- Though not together like this.)
She will jump up to get the phone, knocking the back of her head on the table.
The 4 year old will beat her to the phone (of course!)
(The four year old does NOT take messages.) (a foreshadow that she hung up the phone without taking a message. Of course.)(of course.)
While she is trying to get the phone from the 4 year old, the baby will begin screaming and the 6 year old will run and hide.
She will pick up the baby as the 4 year old hangs up the phone. (See? I told ya!)(of course.)
She will begin searching for the 6 year old…in the linen closet….
She will find the stack of bills she has been looking for all week. (Huh? In the linen closet??)
She will remember that the utility bill is due tomorrow and go looking for her checkbook. (sorta kinda from the original)
She will find that the 4 year old has dumped the entire contents of the purse onto the floor and is applying lip gloss to her eyebrows. (Okay, the first part is like mine, but I do like this line about the lip gloss!)
She will go to the laundry room (and doesn't do laundry for six more lines) to fetch a diaper wipe, and will slip on the remaining orange juice.
She will crash onto her rear and start the baby screaming again.
The 6 year old will giggle from in hiding. (the pantry?)
She will stand up, console the baby and head toward the laundry room for that diaper wipe.
She will find the dryer door open (with her shin) and full of wet clothes.
She will call the 10 year old to finish her chore. (okay, so her kid does the laundry)
The 7 year old will show up asking for help with a math problem.
The math problem is about hamburgers.(another foreshadow)
She will remember that she is supposed to take dinner to the new mother down the street.
She will get a pound of hamburger out of the freezer and look for her cookbook “101 Things to do with a pound of Hamburger”. (this looks pretty darn close to the original!)
She will step over the contents of her purse (apparently dumped by the four year old, hint, hint)(where is the 4 year old now??), carefully side-step the orange juice, and start going through the recipe books.
The phone will ring. Again. (of course…)
The 4 year old will beat her to the phone (of course!)
The 4 year old does not take messages (remember?)
The baby will ”explode” in his diaper. (Wow. way to be subtle about the diaper needing to be changed!)
The 6 year old will giggle again (the pantry?)
She will side-step the orange juice, step over the contents of her purse, and head back to the laundry room to change the baby.(again, sorta from the original)
Digging through the laundry basket for clean baby clothes will remind her that she is still wearing pajamas.
She will strip to the skin and find clean clothes for Mom too…
The doorbell will ring … (of course!)
The 4 year old will beat her to the door (of course!)
It is the neighbor girl selling girl scout cookies.
She will send the 10-year old to sort through the contents of her purse for money to buy some Samoas.
The 10 year old, the 7 year old, and the 4 year old all surface, asking to have some.
She says “Yes” so she can get dressed in peace. (no you can't.)
The baby starts crying.
She steps over the contents of her purse, side-steps the orange juice, walks around the cookie crumbs and collapses in the rocker to nurse.
The phone rings. AGAIN! (of course!)
The 4 year old beats her to the phone (of course!!)
The 10 year old snatches the phone from the 4 year old and reports that it is Daddy.
Daddy wants to know A) why the 4 year old has been answering the phone all morning and B) if she can scan and e-mail the important document he left on his desk.
She will carry the nursing baby upstairs to find the document.
The 4 year old has drawn a purple family on the important document.
She will look for the white out.
Looking for the white out will take her to her desk where there is a post-it screaming – “BOOK CLUB!! DON’T FORGET TREATS!!” (Why did she let the kids eat those Samoas, anyway??!!)
She will head downstairs and gather all the children together and begin a lesson in “real life” math (aka doubling recipes). The 6 year old has finally appeared and is crying because he got no Samoas.
She will go to the pantry for the sugar and flour.
She will find the 4 year old eating sugar straight out of a #10 can and spilling most of it on the floor.
She will lay the now-sleeping baby down and fetch the broom.
She will sweep up the sugar!!! (YEAH!)
She will get the purse contents off of the floor and head back to her desk to write a check to the utility company… (DOUBLE YEAH!!) (where were those bills again??)
She will white out the purple family and scan and e-mail the document. (THREE JOBS DONE!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??)
The baby will wake up. (Does 17 minutes even count as a nap??)
She will taste the cookie dough that the 10 year old has taken charge of. Since it is only slightly too salty, she will put the first batch in the oven.
She will look around at the flour, sugar, and chocolate chips all over the floor and decide it can stay there with the orange juice until after lunch.
She will decide to start some read-aloud.
The phone will ring (of course!)
The 4 year old will beat her to the phone (of course!)
(The 4 year old does not take messages, remember??)
She will take the phone off the hook.
The cell phone will ring. (It’s Dad’s ring)
Dad wants to know A) why the house phone is busy and B) if she ever sent that e-mail.
She will head back upstairs to try again.
The doorbell will ring. (of course)
It’s the neighbor. (She will remember she offered to watch the neighbor’s toddler for an hour)
The neighbor asks if something is burning and will look skeptical about leaving her toddler.
She will feed the first batch of cookies to the dog.
She will put in a second batch and gather all the kids around for a good book.
The baby will start screaming.
She will ask the 10-year old to turn pages while she nurses and reads.
The phone will ring. (HUH? – she thought it was off the hook)
The four year old will beat her to the phone. Again. Of course.
The 7 year old will wrestle the phone from the 4 year old.
Did she try sending that e-mail again?
(She will say a very mild swear word, but only in her head)
She will head upstairs to e-mail the document.
The neighbor’s toddler will scream. The 6 year old will run and hide.
She will feed the second batch of cookies to the dog. (She will set the timer for the third batch.)
She will head upstairs to email that stinking document.
She will hear the cookie timer and race downstairs. She will see that it is already 2 O’clock. She will feed the kids cookies, dried apples and yogurt for lunch. And she will pour them some orange juice to go with it. While she is at it, she will pour herself a glass of orange juice and go look for that muffin (wasn't this in the original, sans the beverage choice?)….maybe it is in the linen closet…..

If Laura Numeroff wrote this, it would have been a novel, not a children's book! But kudos to the mom who went through this and lived to write about it!

Now you see what can happen, even if someone does copy and paste from the internet. Most of this poem is hers, because there is no way I could do all of that and survive- especially after tripping over the contents of my purse twenty times and the kids hanging up on everyone- remember, her kids don't take messages.

Do you see why I won't pursue this anymore? By the time I go through all the people in the lane, ask for the changes, and then repost the original, I'll be a few hundred years old! So I'll read the copies and chuckle at the changes.

Now for the 'legal' part- ** (Please see update below!) Please don't copy anything but the original poem in this post. Yes you can copy it with my blessings- just list me as the author and post my blog link with it. You can use it for whatever you like, but if you become a millionaire because of it, share that wealth with others. It'll do a body good to see it benefit everyone who reads it. :)**

God Bless!

**UPDATE** God is good! My poem is currently going under contract to a publisher! (details to come later) Please understand that I can no longer give permission to those that want to repost this poem- if you already have the poem on your site, please make the corrections, but do NOT delete it. After speaking with the publisher, any postings previous to the contract date are okay! Thank you to my readers for sticking up for me! God Bless!

Why People Don't Lose Weight

At times it happens- we diet and exercise, and the weight just doesn't seem to want to leave! So I thought I'd give you a few funnier reasons (that I've used myself) for not losing weight:

I didn't 'go' before weighing in. Even if you just went ten minutes ago, you could actually be carrying a gallon or more of water weight in your bladder by the time you get to the scale! A gallon weighs eight pounds, so that could be a major factor in the scale numbers.

PMS. This could be Pre, Present, or Post- it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters is that you're bloated, and the water is not in your bladder this time- it's all over. And you have no control in getting rid of it. Not your fault. This is responsible for anywhere from five to eighty-seven pounds.

Clothes weigh a lot. Did you know that a sweatsuit can weigh about twenty pounds? If you round it up, that is. Even a summer shorts and shirt set can weigh over eight pounds, and underwear... well, under-wires can add a lot with all that metal, and even if you don't have that type, there's something supporting you- we'll just call that stuff 'mystery material'. That adds another two pounds onto the scale.

Other gear you forgot about. Glasses and contact lenses are made of special plastics. Wire rims can add at least a pound and a half, and contact lenses are a half-pound...each. And don't forget your watch and jewelry! Even if you don't wear a watch anymore, put one on, so you have something to blame if the scale tips out of your favor. They could weigh anywhere from three to five pounds, depending on the style.

Breathing. Taking in a breath right before you weigh in makes your lungs bigger, therefore heavier. Try not to breathe before you get on. Of course if you stop breathing, blood will rush to your head due to lack of oxygen, making you more top-heavy. Gravity will pull harder to keep you on the planet, so you'll weigh more anyway. This might add another two or three pounds.

So now you know why some people just can't lose those pesky pounds- And why I'm usually hyperventilating after I get off the scale. All this stuff is totally true (at least in my mind), and I'm sticking to it- right after I have some breakfast. Doughnuts, anyone?