Where Did I Go?

One day you're just speeding along, doing what you need to do every day, when suddenly you realize something. 

You lost yourself.

I don't mean 'lost yourself' like being deeply involved in a book. I mean when you're so darned busy, you forget you're a human being.

I have utterly, completely lost myself these past few months.

For the first time since our marriage, I had to work outside of my home. I worked at a fabric store eons ago, more for getting out of the house than a financial need so that doesn't count. This time I have to work- it's a totally different dynamic.

It's more of a culture shock, really. I no longer have the time to do the things that keep me sane. The things I like to do define me. And for the past few months, I've not had a chance to delve into the things that make me my creative, oddball self.

I miss me!

Some of you can understand how I feel. Some of you might think I'm whining. After all, I had eighteen years to do something with the talents God gave me...right? So what did I do with all that 'slopping over' talent? Not much, really.

I made my fair share of money. I've made handmade gifts for folks. I've even donated my work. My kids have quilts to keep them warm at night, my husband has a quilt that we share when watching movies, and my friends have their kids face painted by me at their parties, with their lady friends wearing my origami jewelry...

Hey, wait a minute. That's more than 'not much'- isn't it? Maybe my talents weren't wasted after all?

Maybe that's what I'm missing!

I like creating things. Oh sure, I like selling my work too, but I really love making crafts that others enjoy. I love writing, brainstorming, and creating new crafts, new characters, and new story ideas.

And that's what's going wrong. I haven't been able to create anything for almost three months!

Where did I go? I went to work. I get up, I work, I come home, I work, I cook, I go to meetings, I come home and sleep. The weekends are a little different, but not by much. 

Creative minds need outlets. I haven't given mine any outlets lately, so it's shutting down and sulking somewhere in my mind- probably by the 'where did I put my keys' section.

I really need to get those creative juices going again!

It won't be easy. But it needs to be done. All work and no play makes Jacqueline a really tired, grumpy old sot. And nobody wants to be that when they grow up!

I still haven't decided what I'll be doing when I grow up- but whatever it'll be, it'll be creative! 

You're Getting Old When...

I didn't think I was old until I had a conversation this morning with my husband. Now I wonder if I'm on the verge of OldCootsdom.

So I decided to write down a few of the latest things we'd been talking about, and overheard from other Cootites.

You're getting old when....

Retirement plans are closer and a lot thinner than you thought.

The kids are almost adults.

The cats are becoming fashion accessories- especially in winter.

You have more than three cats- and you want more!

Having a great poop makes the entire day seem better.

You brush two sets of teeth- the second set is in a glass on the sink.

The kids ask what you'll be leaving them every time you're sick. 

You actually consider what you'll be leaving them.

Your grey hair begins to look sexy.

You have to roll your boobs up like socks to look 'perky' again.

You look into the mirror naked, and realize your body looks like it's melting.

Age spots become beauty marks.

You're no longer afraid to laugh at yourself!


I'm not old yet, just youth impaired. And that's okay too. I've not arrived at OldCootsdom yet- I'll stop off at Fogeyville for a while.

Do you have a Fogeyism you're like to share? Post it in the comments!

The New Vaudeville Act

This week was like some ironic little Vaudeville act.

This is my husband Sick, and I'm Tired- together we're Sick and Tired!
*cue applause*

Today's act features: 
Husband Tossing Cookies- His accuracy is amazing! 
Wife Falling Asleep While Making Dinner- Watch her snore while she cores! Sleeps as she slices! Dozes as she dices!
His fever is so high, she can use his head as a stove-top! Yowza!

Okay, maybe not.

This was a week of sickness.
My son was sick.
My husband was sick. 
I was tired, then I was sick.

I still am. The Vaudeville act continues. This time it's a solo act.

At least I have enough brain cells to write- writing doesn't require much movement- and right now, that's a very good thing. I don't want to take over my husband's act!

He's feeling better now so I took him to work. And that was the extent of my workday thus far. I'm recovering, but that doesn't mean my stomach is ready for calisthenics just yet.

Yet I can still claim that being sick was a blessing. I know what you're thinking. "Wait...What?"
Yep, it's been a blessing.

My husband though sick, got to rest. Yes it will hurt the budget for a bit, but it was rest he needed. I managed to make some good home-cooked soup before I succumbed to the flu, so everyone was pretty much fed when I was down and out. And I lost five out the the seven pounds I just recently gained.

God is so good!

I feel well enough to get the house out of the "disaster zone" stage, and since the kids are off today, they are definitely helping- or maybe I'll help them instead. We're going to do an extra good job on the bathrooms, doorknobs and banisters- you'd be surprised how much better everyone gets when these "handy" parts of the house are scrubbed down. 

Soon the Sick and Tired Vaudeville act will be over. The curtains will come down, and I can work on my next acts- Budget Balancing and Job Juggling- or maybe a clown act with the cats!

Life- The Overdone Steak

Ever have a steak that's been on the grill just a little too long? Tire treads would be more tender than that piece of beef, but it's all that you have, so you have to eat it.

Sometimes that's life.

You bite into it, realizing that that sucker is going to take a lot more chewing power, so you take a smaller bite. and a smaller one. and a smaller one. You keep doing it until it's a small enough bite for you to handle. It still tastes good, but the texture needs work before it can nourish your body.

Life can be tough, like a steak. Sometimes we just need to take smaller bites to handle the entire thing. Sometimes there are just too many jobs to do, and they need to get done yesterday.

Then the car needs fixing. Or the kids get sick. Or you have a menopausal breakdown. Or all three. Oh yeah, it's been one of those months years.

We needed money. I got a job. The job works great, but then the extra funds go to repairs for the van. Lack of exercise makes me gain weight. So I go to the gym. Then menopause hits and I have the energy of a drugged sloth in syrup. 

The devil is stomping on my life with barbed-wire cleats- while dangling an overdone steak over my head. Jerk.

I can almost hear the theme song from the Lion King: "...more to do, than can ever be doooone..."

I don't want to be a part of the circle of life- I just want a circle of sanity!

Okay, so maybe I'm a little hormonal. A little. I'm driving my family nuts right now because I'm taking too big a bite of that steak and trying to force it down without water to drink. Instead of a nice, sane mommy that says "I love you, pookums, now please go paint the house", I'm the insane, nutball woman shouting, "I need the house painted! AAUGH! Why are you painting the house! I need a hug- I'm having a hot flash-DON'T TOUCH ME! Where's the chocolate- I need it! AAUGH! I gained weight! WAAH!"

And that was only yesterday. Sigh. I really do need to take smaller bites. I just have to learn how.

This world is just too busy, and I get caught up in it just like everyone else. But sometimes I just need to step back, breathe, and pray about it. 

I'll grab a knife and fork (or maybe a blender) and with God's help, tackle that steak one eensy-weensy bite at a time!

Sharpen Spiritual Shears

Remember last weeks post about Pruning Neck Branches? Well, I took a week off from work (the papal visit closed practically every road, so it was a good call) and tried to use that time to trim some of the brambles in my life.

Unfortunately I didn't get far.

I'd worked six days a week for three weeks straight, missing church for those three weeks. Granted, we needed the fundage, but I still felt like I really needed to be at church.

I was physically, emotionally and spiritually tired when those three weeks were up. I wasn't ready to handle trimming the neck branches. My spiritual shears needed sharpening.

It didn't help that I wasn't in the mood for attitudes. I won't go into details, but someone decided to 'educate' me on the new church ministry rules, and I turned it into a huge deal.

I wasn't ready for change. I wasn't ready to handle an attitude- I just wanted to get my ministry set up. And since my spiritual batteries were nearly dead, I reacted badly. I yelled. I ranted. Then I left church to take a nice long walk, fully intending to go home.

I needed God's Word, but to go back meant I had to see this person again and those that saw me blow up. Not exactly how I wanted to attend services after being away so long! But I wasn't going to let Satan keep me from hearing the sermon, so I turned around and started back, waiting until services started before going back in.

Some congregants noticed I wasn't acting like myself and tried to get me to talk. I wouldn't. I blamed my red nose and puffy eyes on allergies until the sermon started.

After services were over, I walked home. I just wanted to be alone.

I was embarrassed that I lost control. I was angry with that person. And I was angry with myself. Who loses their schmidt like that? No one else I knew. I still have no idea why I reacted so badly.

I needed help. Despite being angry at everyone and everything, I cried out for God to help me, even though I was mad at Him too. It was Sunday and I was curled up into a big ball of misery alone in my bedroom. No one could hear me. I wasn't sure if God was listening.

He was.

Today a friend called, wanting me to take a walk with her. We go to the same church, and my first thought was she's going to tell me what everyone said about my blow up. Egad, let me crawl under a rock and die! But she didn't. She chatted with me and never even mentioned church. Apparently my blow up wasn't as momentous as I thought- she hadn't heard a thing. But since I brought it up....

She asked if I would talk about it. I did. Then we prayed. She let me sharpen my spiritual shears by listening and praying with me- but I had to open up first.

Only then did I start feeling better.

I still have to face those same people next week, but my heart will be in a better place by then. Fuller. More humble. And this time, I'll be caught up on the new ministry rules.

Please don't do what I did and run down those spiritual batteries! Read His Word. Pray. Take a walk and talk with a friend. Don't let life dull your shears. How else can you trim those branches and blossom into what He sees in you?

Pruning Neck Branches

It's been five weeks since I started working as a driver part-time. I also drive private clients once or twice a week. The private ones pay more, but aren't regular; the new job provids less pay but steady work, hence a steadier income. 

The past three weeks were very, very busy. So busy that I worked private drives on Sundays three weeks in a row. Just one job for those Sundays, but big ones that paid very well. I would've worked Saturdays too, but my husband took those runs for me the same three weeks. 

The good news is we're finally up to date on bills and groceries. The bad news is we're both tired.

Very tired.

My husband did overtime the last two weeks (non-driving related). Driving relaxes him, so doing the Saturday drives revive him. I drive all week (about five hours a day), and it drains me. I love driving, but being out that long sucks the energy out of me like a vacuum hose in a fish tank. Those three Sundays wiped me out, not only because the drives were so long (four to five hours each), but I also missed church services.

Those weeks were a time to work, but today is a time to rest.

Last night my allergies kicked my butt. I slept for a restless three hours, and when I got up, my reflection was one of the living dead. Not really what I wanted to see staring back at me this morning!

Hair disheveled? Check. Especially the gray ones.
Bags under the eyes? Double check. In fact, I had several sets of luggage under my bloodshot hazels.
Teeth? Some of them, but the rest were still sitting in their little case in the bathroom. 
Nose? Yep- it was there, all red and running from sneezing my face off.

It was definitely time for rest.

I took my husband to work (hey, I still needed the van after all- I still have errands and appointments to keep!) came home and collapsed into bed. I slept like a brick for ninety minutes.

God decided to send me a dream.

I was running through an orchard of bare branches, getting snagged as I tried to run through them. I felt a sharp pain on my neck near my collarbone, and when I touched the spot, I pulled away a dead branch that was growing out of my neck. Only when it was removed could I get through the brambles. I have no idea why I thought neck branches were normal, but dreams are weird like that. Despite the weirdness, when I awoke, the message He sent was clear- I needed pruning.

Time to rest, and time to prune. I'm using this day off to get some very much needed housework done, but also figure out what branches of my life need trimming.

I have too many part-time jobs. Two pay, a few have great potential for income, and some are ministry oriented. The choices I make won't be easy ones, but I feel pressed by God to start the pruning process before my spirit dies of neglect!

This is definitely a Best Yes moment. I've got to narrow my focus if I want to be a successful- and sane- woman. I don't mean successful as in rich (though extra fundage is nice!), but successful as in able to pay the bills, bless others, and still be rested and spiritually charged. It's not an easy balance, but it can be done- I just have to prune the right neck branches!

If you have too much going on in your life and you need rest too (as I suspect 99.9% of us do), try writing down all of your jobs (paying, ministry, potential careers, etc.). See what can be focused on, and what needs pruning. Trim the neck branches to free yourself up for what God intended for you!

God- The Spiritual GPS

I have a new app called Waze. It's a really neat little directional app, and I've been using it a lot the past few weeks. One of the things I like about it is that it warns me of hazards (like potholes, construction, and even road kills!) and give me a better way to get there than my usual route.

And when I go the wrong way (which happens a lot) it doesn't condemn me or poke fun at me- it simply gives me a new route to follow to get me back on the right roads.

My GPS is a lot like God.

I make a mistake, Boop! God sends me someone to help me fix it. I make a wrong choice? Beep! God gives me a new way to get there. And when I feel blocked in with no way out? Blip! God shows me a way around it that I never saw before.

God's good like that.

But sometimes I'm stubborn. I know where I want to go, and I know best how to get there. Sometimes I shut the app off and go my own way. 
Then I get stuck in traffic. Or there's construction. Or I hit a major pothole and mess up my tire. Now I have to use the app to find a tow truck!

It's the same thing with God. Sometimes I tell Him "Really, I'm good- just let me do this by myself", thus shutting the God app off. Oh He's still watching me (and probably chuckling knowingly), but He let's me go my way and do my own thing. Then gives me a big hug when I come running back to Him when I make bonehead mistakes.

So I've stopped shutting off my God app. In fact, I look to Him regularly. He keeps me on track and I stay out of trouble (mostly). And I say mostly not because of Him, but because of me. 

Because I'm still stubborn. Good thing He's patient, hmm?

Turn on your God app and see His direction. You won't be disappointed!