Menstrual 'Pains'

This wonderful fact of life occurs from puberty to 'whenever it feels like stopping' regularly, or irregularly. But there's one rule that's consistent regarding this stage of life-  it never happens when it's convenient.

Why is it that:

We bloat like balloons for at least two weeks, then pee for two days straight after it shows up?

Even after all that water loss, we never lose an ounce?

When the sugar/salties hit us, it makes us eat weird things like pretzel coated ice cream or chocolate-covered potato chips?

It always shows up in the middle of the night, right before a big event, during a vacation, or when we're wearing white pants/shorts? Or when we're teens, and we have to do a problem on the blackboard?

We can never find the ibuprofen when we need it, even though we know we have an elephant-sized bottle in the house or in our purse?

Our body temperatures go from volcanic to arctic the moment we get the sheets off?

No one has invented a fan in the floor that will blow up our nightgowns to cool us down?

Just when we need the most comfort, we can't stand being touched?

We get an icky surprise when we sneeze or cough, yet we can't just bear down for a few hours straight and get it over with faster? (boy, if we could do this, we might not have problems with the 'night before a vacation/big event' thing!)

They make the pads so thin you can't feel them, but you also can't tell if you're totally protected? I want one I can feel, so I know I'm covered!

Certain companies added wings to the pads? Oh sure, they protect the underwear (sort of), but don't they curl around the panty and face the inside of your pants? That's a bad thing...right? (especially if they're white pants?)

The cramps can be so bad that even if you sat on a volcano, the heat wouldn't be enough to give you relief.

Just when you think it's done and relax, it decides to show up for one last huzzah- right when you have no backup in your purse?

And men wonder why we're so grumpy this time of the month. 

One of these days I'm going to write a spoof of 'The Twelve Days of Christmas' based on this (if it isn't out already, that is). I think the women of the world could use a good laugh!