Monday, February 24, 2014

The Menopausal Wolverine

I wish we had a menopausal superhero.

This past week, my emotions have been like rampant teens on a roller coaster, all because of one little, infinitesimal thing. Hormones. Menopausal hormones turn this not-so-mild-mannered housewife into a raging ball of pent-up lightning, just waiting for some sucker to come along so I can strike him down into verbal oblivion.

Since I never leave the house unless it's food shopping or church (and let's face it, if I blow up in those places, I'll either be arrested by management or exorcised by the pastors), the only victims are the man I married, and my two offspring.

Take yesterday for instance.

I was the epitome of road rage without the road. My hearing became super sensitive, and I swear I could hear these people blinking. It was a good thing everyone was going to school or work, because they might not have survived the day with me. My daughter must have sensed something, because she gave me a little kiss on my head and slowly backed out of the house.

Even the cats made themselves scarce. I didn't see them the entire day.

I had no one to vent to. I was alone- and hormonal. This is the only time someone like me would hope for an energy supplier salesman to come to the door. In my state, there would be nothing left but shredded paperwork fluttering to the pavement.

I switched from emotion to emotion like a malfunctioning CD player; one minute I'm on the warpath, the next I throw myself onto the couch, bawling and repentant, the next in a deep depression, and the next cleaning the house like a boss, using the vacuum like a sword, thrusting at the dust-bunnies with no mercy. 

A menopausal super hero would be awesome. With this much emotional turmoil, She'd make Wolverine seem like a whining weenieburger! I can see it now....

If we had one menopausal super hero, crime in the district would be down 80%.

With a small group, the entire city would be safe. All the bad guys would be tied to fences by their baggy pants, and all people would have to do to thank these ladies is to leave out chocolate and chips.

If there were a large group, and there would be no drug houses, or hidden drug caches, because we menopausals are mad and mean and will hunt them down like dogs the second we get wind of anything.

Gather an army of us, and we would be the top country of the world again. The other countries would be too darn scared to fight. Emotional instability can be a good thing!

In the meantime I'll have to find other ways to vent off steam than make speed bumps out of my family. Maybe kickboxing, bull wrestling or cage fighting. At least in the latter I can wear a cool costume!


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