Monday, May 14, 2018

Super Heat Waves

Once upon a time, I was sitting on the couch nearly dying of heat stroke.
It was March. 
We just had snow. 
And the rest of my family was shivering and under heavy quilts.
I, however, could've stripped down to my undies and sat on a block of ice, and I still would've been hot.
"Hey! Who turned up the heat?" I yelled to the quivering pile of blankets. Their only response is chattering teeth.


I checked the thermostat to make sure someone didn't pull an 'I just moved it a couple of clicks' stunt, but it wasn't touched. Apparently, my hormones were raging again.

But I'd had a hysterectomy. There are no more hormones...right?

A word to the wise; hysterectomies don't stop menopausal heat waves!

Apparently estrogen is stored in the fat cells, to which I have a plethora. I'm just a big hormone bank that's been saving the stuff with each pound I'd gained, which is no small feat! And guess what happens when you start losing some of that poundage? No wonder the doc told me I wouldn't need supplements probably ever!

For the past few weeks my internal oven has been set to volcanic. It used to be a humid, clammy, ogre's armpit kind of heat, one that will melt metal chairs into puddles of aluminum and sweat. But since the surgery, it's been more of a dry, Arizonian desert kind of heat.

And my husband loves it. You know, the guy with the ice-cold everything adhered to as much of my person as possible so he stays warm at night. It's hard to sleep when you're nearly being strangled by the one you love.

Even my friends are wowed by the intense heat emanating from every pore of my being. They hold their hands out over my arm, expressions of disbelief turning to one of incredulity as they warm themselves by their buddy, The Organic Radiator. Hey- maybe I'm a superhero!

Save us Radiator! We're freezing! And with a wave of my arms, the house is now as balmy as Hawaii.

Then again, I could be a super villain. Maybe I'm the reason behind global warming!*GASP*

My villain name would be Solar Flare...give me chocolate- or else! The dark kind please, because the milk chocolate melts too fast in my hand- even those M&Ms would make a chocolaty rainbow in my palm- nothing is safe! Do this or I' your ice cream! 

Noooo!Anything but that!

I'd wear a cape, but that would be too many layers...I might go nuclear.

In the meantime my family will be spending the summer months grilling on my arms and toasting marshmallows over my head. We'll save so much on charcoal and wood this year!

Or maybe I'll hire myself out as a pool heater when the water's too cold. I like swimming!

The Organic Radiator to the rescue!