Heavenbound

My mom is with Jesus.

No more suffering.
No more pain.
No more struggling spirit in a failing body.

My mom and I didn't have the best relationship. She kept her past to herself and refused to tell me anything unless she was angry and something slipped out.

Sometimes what she said hurt deeply- it put up barriers in our relationship. Every year the wounds would fester and we'd get further and further apart. She said she wanted a relationship, but whenever we became close again, she would push me away. Finally I stayed away. At least in my heart.

It was decades before I forgave her. It wasn't easy. I knew that she would still push me away and we'd never be really close. It didn't matter. God had lifted a heavy burden from my heart the moment I forgave her. 

Two years later, she was diagnosed with cancer. Three weeks later, God called her home. Time isn't merciful when things are left unhealed. In that two year period, I did all I could for her. Last week she told me how much she loved and appreciated me as I held her hand. Hearts were healing when she passed.

I never appreciated just how many gifts my mother gave me.
She gave me the love of the written word. She gave me the gift of cadence; recognizing patterns in speech and music so I could write songs and poetry. She gave me the love of laughter- great big belly laughs that required a change of undergarments.
And she was the one that introduced me to God.
She has taught me so much.

God is good.
He has taught me so much.

Love deeply. 
Refrain from hurtful words.
Forgive.

Because time isn't merciful. 
But God is.

Goodbye Mom. I love you. Don't forget to meet me at the gates when He calls me home- and don't forget to bring extra underwear. We have a lot to talk about!

I Hate Cancer

This is one of the hardest posts I've had to write.

My mom has cancer.

She's been going downhill health-wise for about two years now, but refused to go to doctors. I tried to convince her otherwise, but when she doesn't want to do something, she is a force to be reckoned with.

She lost weight. A lot of it. She slept more. Ate less. But still refused to get checked out.

I heard from neighbors that she had fallen outside her apartment a few times in the past year, and was too weak to get up on her own, laying on the ground until they saw her and helped her get back inside. She never said a word to anyone until I heard through the grapevine weeks later.

Two weeks ago, her sisters went for a visit and found she hadn't gotten out of bed for a while. She was very weak and in a lot of pain. They took her to the ER.

That's when they found it; Cancer. The trunk of her body is riddled with it. Then we were told the worst. No Chemo. Inoperable. Terminal. 

She had waited too long.

The first doctor said six months. The second doctor said she had weeks. Only God knows when her time will really be up. She was no longer self-sufficient and needed 24/7 care.

I found a center for pain management and therapy to help her gain strength and mobility. They would make sure she eats and drinks regularly, and help her to the restroom. It kills me that I can't help her, but I'd have to live with her to do that- I can't stay at her place, and my home isn't suitable for her because she's a serious fall risk.

She has moments of confusion which are becoming more frequent. She still thinks she's going back home. I haven't the heart to tell her otherwise.

Unless God has other plans, she'll be in His hands soon.  

I hate seeing her fade a little more each day. 
I hate seeing her suffer.
I hate cancer.

God is good. His Will be done in all things. Whatever happens, watch over her Lord, and give her peace.

I love you, Mom.

Life's Sandy Anthills

Ever see ants trying to dig out of the sand? They dig and dig and dig and dig- they never seem to stop digging.
Yep- that's me.

Just when I think my anthill is safe and secure, someone comes along to dump sand to block my front door. This past year has been one of struggles, and the sand just keeps piling on.

But I'm not going to stop digging.

First it was money. so I got a job. Then I got six of them. Financially, life was starting to even out.

The second was time. I had none left for fun and family, not to mention the housewifey stuff. I also had no time to exercise, so I gained all of the weight back that I lost, and then some. Ugh.

The third was energy. By the time I was done work, had some family time and maybe had time to cook or clean (never, ever both), I was ready to collapse into bed. Sometimes I'd collapse before bed, unintentionally falling asleep on the couch during family time. Oops.

God got me through the rough stuff. I'm still not through all of the rough stuff-it keeps fluctuating between the three- but it feels like there's hope. God never does anything without reason, and so far I've learned a lot about myself, my family, and a ton more about God. And things, as crazy as they were, were still working out.

Then there was Four. 

I won't even mention what Four is (at least not yet in this blog), but it hit me like a sledgehammer. The funny thing is I was half-expecting this fourth pile of sand- just not when I was still digging out of the other three piles. This ant is getting really, really tired of sand.

But there is good news. God is there helping me dig out. 

I should be going nuts right now. Stark, raving, climb-a-stucco-wall-to-the-rooftop-barehanded-and-scream-like-a-banshee crazy. But I'm not. I'm calm. Not happy, mind you, but calm.

It's the weirdest feeling I've ever known. 

The feeling is familiar though, because God has done this before to me. It was weird then too. It's also awesome. No one wants to deal with a bat-crazy banshee!

I don't know what's going to happen in the near future, but God will handle it. He'll have to- I'm too focused on the sand to take much notice of anything else. But everything- everything- works out for His good. It always has.

So I'll keep on digging.

I'm just glad God's shovel is bigger than mine!