Body Malfunctions vs. Romance

Romance used to be fun.

I remember well all those wonderful romantic movies where nothings were whispered, touches were ever-so-gentle, and you could actually hear what your movie beloved was saying. Of course the beloved actor had a mike and a sound set, and didn't have your good ear plastered to his chest.

It's also not the time to suffer from nose whistles, lung squeaks and sudden sneezing fits.

No my friends, reality includes real bodies doing real things- usually right in the middle of a romantic moment.

It started when I was sixteen. I had a boyfriend (please note I said had), and he was busy kissing me. However, I felt a sneeze coming on and tried to warn him and rapid taps on his back, but he just thought I was in the moment and didn't stop.

Dizzy Gillespie would have been proud had he seen my boyfriend's face react like a car's air bag- and thanks to my excellent seeking skills, it only took a few minutes to find his eyes, but they popped right back in easy-peasy. After that he threw himself backward if I even twitched an eyelash. 

Then there was the time of the first kiss with my husband (before he was my husband). Our eyes closed in wondrous delight as our lips met, and I heard the oh-so subtle whistle of my nose.

Fwee.

Oh yeah- that's romantic. especially when you feel his lips curl into a barely suppressed grin as he's kissing you.

Or a time when you're just enjoying being with your sweetheart, and you lean against his chest with a sigh of contentment, and right before you finish exhaling...

Squeak.

The moment is ruined as your head (still resting on his chest) starts to bounce from his laughter.

Then you get older and things get even better.

You're in the middle of a hug, and you know he just murmured something loving and profound into your hair, but you have one ear to his chest and the other is blocked by his hand as he caresses your head, so all you heard was 'Meef merf morphenten'. You freeze, trying to decipher just what was said, yet afraid to break the moment by asking 'Huh?!?' 
Or worse yet, you actually do ask (in that throaty voice you use only for these instances), and he repeats it in that same murmur- and you still didn't hear it. Now if you ask again it will really break the romantic moment so you just smile and hug him, hoping it was something special and not a reminder to get the car fluids checked.

Then you spend the rest of the night wondering what the heck he said.

Romance used to be fun. Now it's just something to laugh at while your body betrays you. Sigh.

Squeak.