I'm Melting!

I just turned on the radio. We're in the middle of another heat wave, the announcer says. Like I can't tell that by watching my sneakers melt.

In fact, I'm melting. Even with the air conditioning on full blast, I'm sweating like a racehorse. But all I'm losing is water, not a single ounce of it is fat. Otherwise I would be happy to turn off the AC entirely and sit in a baby pool butt naked until I was 110 pounds!

Humidity kills me. If there's an ounce of water in the air, I can feel it suppressing my breath, covering my skin in perspiration, and making me feel grungy- even if I'd just finished taking a shower! My hair falls about my face in a million little sopping wet ringlets, yet I never feel sexy like those ads they have at the gym. Melting into a little puddle of sweat isn't sexy- I feel like a wax statue under too many spotlights.

And heaven forbid I try to take in a little cold water- it either evaporates on the way down, or gives me brain freeze that lasts three hours. I feel a lot better when I dump the ice-water over my head though- now my ringlets are a bit more sexy, because I can smile without my lips melting off!

I'm looking down at my radio, which is slowly transforming into a pool of plastic and wire. The announcer begins to sound garbled, like his lips are sliding off his face. Time to go.

I'm going to climb into the freezer to cool off. Remember to keep that AC on, leave some ice in the pet's water dish, and then come join me before my lemonade freezes! There's always room for one more!