Monday, April 29, 2013

Becoming Youth Impaired

When did I get old?

Nowadays my body starts to ache when I blink too much, I have to go to the bathroom fifty times a day, and when my mom came to visit the other day, she pointed out that I was getting a smattering of gray hairs. 

Get the irony? My mother pointed out my gray hairs. I told her they weren't gray, they were platinum blonde- a really bright platinum blonde.

And that chick in the mirror looking back at me is starting to get those little eye wrinkles, and a couple in a few other places too. I solved the issue by never looking in the mirror. How my husband hired someone to look like a much older me is beyond me, but I'm thinking she works for cookies and not cash.

As for the aching body, that could be because I'm still recouping from my husband's accident and the move. And the unpacking. And then doing two weekends of back-breaking ministry work. And gaining back the thirty pounds I lost last year. Yeah, all of that can do a body bad.

As for the rest? Well, I never believed in lathering myself with lotions, potions and creams to look younger- though duct tape does wonders when you pull the skin back just right! Just make sure your lips aren't touching your ears and you can blink, then all is good with the world.

Elastic is also a good thing- it turns a size 1X pair of pants into pants that can be stretched to a 3X if you're careful and sit down real slow, breathing out when you do. If you decide to try this, just remember- No Sudden Movements. No one will ever know.
Try not to faint if you're feeling dizzy from the lack of circulation- you might fall, and the impact will make those pants burst open like those banners the football players run through, and then everyone will know you faked your pant size. They also won't be able to lift your butt of the floor without a forklift because you told then you weighed 110 pounds and you really weigh 300 pounds- don't ask me how I know that.

I've also noticed I'm slower that I used to be. I wake up at 5 am, and by the time I get out of bed and get dressed, it's noon. By the time I get the first chore done it's 3, and by the time we are finished eating dinner it's too darn late to clean the house. Though that's more of a perk than a complaint!

Besides, that's why we have children....right? And God gave me a good set of lungs to 'communicate' with my little deafened darlings- even if they're on the third floor with the door shut and the music blaring!

That's another odd thing about getting old- your hearing becomes irregular. One time you can't hear someone speaking right next to you, and other times you can hear people's hair growing. What's up with that? A perfect example is my son asking permission for something, and I give it, not even realizing what he said until he shoots out the door with one of his father's power tools, vs. being able to hear a forbidden muffled candy wrapper being opened on the third floor when I'm in the basement with the washer and dryer running.

The next time I see that older chick in the mirror that my husband hired, I'll just smile and wave, hoping that my arm fat will slap her silly. In the meantime I'll try to grow old gracefully, and make sure I have a good supply of duct tape on hand. Lots of duct tape.


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